


Digitalisation

by RaeNonnyNonny



Category: Cormoran Strike Series - Robert Galbraith, Strike (TV 2017)
Genre: Cormoran is every Londoner, Doom Bar, Drunk Cormoran Strike, Fucking Leicester Square, Gen, Grumpy Cormoran Strike, lots of swears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:00:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27014662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaeNonnyNonny/pseuds/RaeNonnyNonny
Summary: Thirty things Cormoran Strike has ranted about while drunk (and one thing he grumbles about but secretly doesn’t mind)Heavily inspired by a) the Tv adaptation of Cuckoo’s Calling and b) my love-hate relationship with London seen through the eyes of Cormoran Blue Strike.Very sweary, but that’s canon.(‘M sorry for sayin’ fuckin’, Rob’n)
Relationships: Robin Ellacott/Cormoran Strike
Comments: 26
Kudos: 41





	1. 1-15

1\. Car parking charges for hospital carparks (“Money-grubbing bastards. You’re in hospital, how the fuck’re yer gonna pop out to pay the meter?”)

2\. Celebrity/gossip magazines (“waste of fuckin’ paper. Who bloody cares”) - he then became particularly vitriolic about Tatler for some reason...

3\. Tourists in Central London (“always getting in my fucking way when I’m trying to pop to the offie or taking selfies with their bloody selfie sticks. Fuckin’ Leicester Square. It’s just a square full of pigeons and bloody emmets*.”)

4\. There are (allegedly) no more payphones anywhere. 

5\. Self service checkouts. Cormoran REALLY doesn’t like self service checkouts. Rumour has it he once tried to start an argument with one when he was quite a few pints down but he refuses to confirm this. Eyewitnesses claim he suggested a few things that it could put in the bagging area that would indeed be unexpected but none of them were polite.

6\. Having to fork out for Sky TV subscription to watch Arsenal matches because they own the rights to air the Premier League. (“Bastards!”)

7\. Pubs that don’t stock Doom bar

8\. Pubs that do stock Doom bar but mainly flog IPA with “wanky hipster names and moustaches on the bottle that taste like piss and are probably brewed in a mouldy bathtub in Neasden, not an organic microbrewery in Shoreditch like they claim” (his words, not mine)

9\. The gentrification and hipsterisation of the East End of London (“s’ all ruined, Shanker”)

10\. Chuggers (charity muggers) who won’t let you walk past without bounding up to you trying to get you to donate and you can’t avoid them - they irritate him anyway and they also make him lose sight of suspects when he’s trying to tail them in crowded shopping streets.

11\. Broken lifts at tube stations. (“It’s a fuckin’ access- ass’ss- disability issue! Had to walk all the fuckin’ way up the stairs last week. Bloody TfL”)

12\. Something Lucy’s done

13\. Something Greg does

14\. Something his nephews (not Jack) did

15\. Kebab price inflation in Central London.


	2. 2: 16-31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ranting continues 
> 
> Thanks to everyone in the comments on Chapter 1 for your inspiration! You’re all very nice persons.

16\. People who assume he can’t possibly have gone to Oxford, appreciate Catullus or know any Latin  
17\. People who use Latin quotes to show off and act all superior (he would like to emphasise the fine distinction between that and the last point and refutes your insinuations that he would ever do that unless severely provoked by, for instance, one Mr Fancourt)  
18\. Hypocrisy  
19\. Most of modern rap music and how it’s demeaning women (“not exactly fucking Shakespeare on the whole, izzit. S’certainly not feminist. So you fucked a woman with a big bum, big fucking whoop. How does she feel about the situation?”)  
20\. Restaurants that don’t take reservations cos they “think they’re too fuckin’ good to maintain a basic system of administration” and you have to wait for hours in the cold in a stinking Soho alley to get in  
21\. People feeling sorry for him, often because of his leg, sometimes because of his finances, occasionally for his unmarried status (“which is a fuckin’ joke ‘cause it’s not like married life is a barrel of laughs all the time, izzit *hic*”)  
22\. Salads and people who try to get him to eat them  
23\. Salad garnish - it just makes the thing you've ordered look like it fills the plate when it doesn't, and if he wanted a salad (“which I NEVER DO” he half-roared, thumping the table) the poxy amount in a garnish is pathetically small  
24\. People reminding him who his father is (and expecting him to give a fuck about him)  
25\. Christmas shopping. Easter egg shopping. Shopping generally. Shopping on Oxford Street specifically.  
26\. Jago Fuckin’ Ross  
27\. Restaurants and pubs serving ‘small plates’ (“and charg’n’ just as much as for a full English at a greasy spoon. ‘SPESHLY if they’re served on a choppin’ board or in a bloody jam jar - wha’ssa plate ever done to ya?!”)  
28\. Being served weak tea  
29\. Tottenham Hotspur  
30\. Children in general

And finally:  
31\. People making a fuss on or about his birthday - except - really - if he’s honest with you, when it’s Robin he actually quite likes it. (“bu’ don’ tell anyone that, ‘kay, sssssshh”)

**Author's Note:**

> *Emmets = Cornish dialect word for tourists or incomers to Cornwall


End file.
